Hurting Hearts

It amazes me at how many people are experiencing some type of pain but yet they go about their daily lives never trying to heal the pain. Now they will take many measures to mask or lessen the pain but actually healing the root cause of the pain does occur immediately. Many people believe that all pain heals with time. Some believe seeking the face of God will heal the pain. Others believe that sex dulls the pain. One of my close friends believes that being successful outshines the pain. There are so many philosophies on how to deal with emotional pain. Now with physical pain, we all know the quick relief methods we have— medication, sleeping the pain away, changing our biomechanics (the way we walk or stand) to off load the pain… but what about the dull faint pain that we have in our chest that is not correlated to any physiological signaling that there is an injury. I’m talking about heart pains. Emotional hurt. Deep soul aching pain.

We know what to do when there is a part of our body that is signaling pain, we first inspect the area. Try to figure out if you remove or apply something will it stop the pain. Our first desire is always to stop the pain. It’s crazy that most individuals that are hurting emotionally do not always inspect why they are hurting, they automatically jump to the action to stop the hurting. This is when we make rash decisions on something that is usually temporary.  Unfortunately, I have had one too many heart breaks, 2 to be precise. The first heart-break, I couldn’t understand how emotionally draining it was to hurt as intense and deep as I did. I would lay in the bed and cry until my eyes literally had no more tears to spare. I will admit, I thought lots of sex would help my healing phase. And like most of you, I found that didn’t work at all. If anything it made it worse. My second heart break, I would lay in the bed and try to visualize where exactly was the hurting located. I narrowed it down from my heart to coming to the conclusion the pain would be like a dense gas that would choke my throat and crowd my entire chest and sometimes send a numb sensation throughout my entire body. I didn’t, and still don’t understand how hurt can be no where but every at the same time. I decided that I would force myself to correlate hurt with a particular location or action so I started getting tattoos anytime I had a hurt that I could not articulate the hurt. I have 10 tattoos now, and because of my profession, I am running out of places to hide my hurt so I decided to get a therapist to talk this “hurt” out instead of printing it on my skin. I discovered that writing and singing is very therapeutic for me. Although neither methods would completely stop the hurt, it would allow me a method to inspect where and why the hurt exist.

Once we locate where the pain is, our next thing we tend to do is evaluate how extensive is the hurt. Is it localized or global. With my personality I have a tendency to make lists and to compartmentalized everything. When I have a pain I need to address if that pain is impacting any other areas of my body to determine if they can continue functioning. Example, my first heart-break I allowed it to effect every area of my life. Spiritual, financial, family, friendships, everything was altered because of my inability to separate them all. Its easier said than done. I quit work because I was just to distraught to deal with people. Its funny now for me to admit that but it was the truth of why I quit my job. I was starting school in a month and figured I just need to isolate myself to deal with my pain. Yeah, that resulted in my crying all night because I didn’t have to wake up for work, then I would cry all day because everyone else was gone to work. The demand to mellow in my heart was time consuming. I allowed my emotion to overtake the structure of my life. My second heart break, I learned from having bills, life has to continue even if my heart is hurting. The most significant difference between the two experiences was my second heart break was a deeper pain. I originally thought it was a deeper hurt because I loved this guy more than the first guy. But that wasn’t it, it turned out that the second guy made a series of decisions that resulted in me being hurt which caused the hurt to be more extensive in its damage of my trust of PEOPLE. His hurt caused me to realize that I was vulnerable to any and everyone that I allowed to get too close. Although I was present at functions and I would interact with people, my heart was cut off from the world. Of course with me being active in ministry, that was not productive. I had to take time away to gather why his hurt was a deeper pain that altered my view on everyone. I discovered that the pain became so extensive because I understood that he chose to hurt me. We all have a choice. And he thought about what he wanted and knew it would hurt me and continued on the path to neglect my heart. Now in medicine, if the surrounding body part is necrotic (dead) then the only choice a physician has is to amputate. You amputate all the necrotic matter to the healthy section. My heart was in a slow process of becoming necrotic when I decided to disconnect it from anyone who could potentially hurt me. My ability to write about my hurt gave me life. I also believe the birth of my nephew reversed my dying heart. I honestly believe that if you are financially able to afford a pet, the best time to get a cute little puppy is if you’re trying to move on from a heart break. When you are focusing on loving something or in my case someone more than the hurt, it revives anything that the hurt tried to destroy. I do not suggest having a child to heal from pain. My circumstance worked out that my sister gave birth during the time of my heart ache so it worked perfect for me. But if you can get a puppy it works the same. Now, you have to be a pet person in order for this to happen lol. I have some friends were a pet would depress them, restrict them basically. For those individuals I suggest develop a goal to focus on, get your masters or rebuild a transmission. What ever you have a passion for pour your time and energy into that, it can be so therapeutic and productive. But for us who loves animals, loving something that you know will be loyal to you is so therapeutic.

I am still evolving from the second heart ache but I vowed that all that I learn I would document for the sake of others that may be trying to get pass the hurting moments of their life.

DBIMG_0016[1]

Finding Your Own Style & Identity

It’s amazing how many people I see on social media that imitate other people. If it is dressing like an actress or singer that you admire or if it’s imitating a basketball players lay ups or 3 point jump. It is always easy to mirror others. It’s so much harder to follow your own instincts and make new paths or trend. It could be due to an overwhelming expectations to have everyone to like you, to like your posts, or to agree with you on life matters.

Being a church girl, you tend to fall in either 2 categories. A conservative church girl or modern church girl. Although both are Christians, their images may be completely different. A conservative church girl may have the sweaters for sleeveless dresses or top, the appropriate skirt lengths, or the nice timid personality. A modern church girl may have rips in her tight jeans, mid-drift tops that are appropriate because she wears high waist bottoms, or be the extrovert that will tell you off and say “God bless you”  after she finishes. The point of the 2 images are to stress appearance is just that… the outer shell of a person. It does not change how the heart beats or how life flows through your veins. However the outer appearance can represent your inner health.

I personally enjoy finding the ugliest thing on a rack and making it work. It challenges my inner creative personality. I cover my shoulders during church but wear mid-drifts with high waist skirts or pants because I may feel edgy. I politely tell you “No thank you” but can give you a look in an instant to indicate you’re entering a dangerous zone. My appearance represents me. There’s no imitation of any singer or actress when you see me. Everything you see, typically represents an identity that I have discovered over the past 33 years. My style is layers of years of things that I have found that works for me.

It saddens me when I hear someone trying to be something they are not. Or trying to imitate a picture. I have had women who claim to be confident and secure walk around trying to imitate other women’s image. One year it happened to me to the point I was taken back on how far the woman went to copy my style. I am known to wear black and pearls. That is my signature look. Of course I do not own that image however I have been consistent with that attire for the past 15 years There was a young lady, who started dating my ex and they eventually married, and she would vocalize on many occasions before the marriage that although I dated him for 10 years she was secure in the fact that they had a good relationship. She was confident that he loved her. Of course because I was over the relationship, not because he was a bad person, but because he was my past and I outgrew the space that I was in when I was dating him. I was ok with not being with him because my identity had evolved into something more because I was on a completely different journey then I started when I was him. Well we all attended the same church and she had her own fashion, if that’s what you want to call it. I can honestly say that never would you say that we resembled each other in fashion because our personality was completely different. Well, when they became engaged some things started to change. Now for an overview, I loved wearing a pixie hair cut, which again– I did not “own” that look. But it was my look that everyone was accustomed to seeing for at least 5 years. And note, I have a consistent trend of solid black with pearls… Well one day she walked in with the exact hair cut wearing the exact same thing that I wear, which isn’t hard to imitate cause it basically consistent of solid black attire with pearls. Well, of course I was taken back by her change, I was like, do no one else see this???

It was amazing that so many people responded differently because they would say, anyone can wear pearls but it doesn’t make you elegant. She had already developed an identity so although she changed her attire no one changed their view of her.  Eventually she reverted back to her inappropriate attire but it was amazing that the one individual who would be the loudest about being confident in herself changed her image to resemble someone else. It doesn’t matter how you dress, your image of your heart flows past anything you can put on. Well to fast forward, it turned out that she battled with her own identity because of her own insecurities and a few months after they were married they were separated then eventually divorced. I honestly believe that because she was attempting to change her look was an attempt to finding something deeper she was searching for, her identity. All women go through a change especially if they do not like how they are feeling on the inside. I can honestly say that my life story has had ups and downs, valuable moments, shamed moments, but all of the moments I have had has contributed to my style, my confidence, and my identity.

I have heard someone say, “Your appearance is your advertisement of your life’s journey”.  I believe the challenge and enjoyment in life, no matter how painful it may be or no matter how many down moments you have, but the goal should be to find your own identity in everything you go through and allowing that identity to appear in your style. What is your style????

 

DB